How to live as an introvert with joy and success

Ever since the book How to Win Friends and Influence People came out in 1981 and set a slicker standard for social and business relationships, people who are not natural social rock stars have been told that they just need "better socials skills" or "more motivation" or some sort of self-help seminar. There's a book I'm going to write someday and I might just call it How to Live As an Introvert with Joy and Success.  

I was recently part of a discussion where someone asked how he could learn to enjoy being with people, even though he's an introvert. Most people in the discussion either lectured the unfortunate, self-professed introvert on how to be less self-centered and learn some social skills or recommended he read How to Win Friends and Influence People.  And as often happens, I got a little bit of fire under my skin.

And when I get fired up, I either explode or I write. So here it is, the gist of what I may someday write as my own self-help book (hopefully becoming a wildly successful bestseller, right?). 

Image by Kkmd of Wikipedia

First, let's get the terminology straight. An introvert is NOT a shy person or a person who talks little or even a person with a marginal social life. An introvert is simply a person who gets their energy from being alone. Extroverts get their energy from being with people. It is kind of like being left- or right-handed. You can be one or the other or one of the fortunate flexible few who can do both. But you don't generally get to choose. You're born that way. Like a left-handed person being forced to write with their right hand by backward pedagogues of past centuries, you can train yourself to act like something you're not, but there will be a cost in pain and dexterity. 

People often assume that all shy or awkward people are introverts and nothing could be further from the truth. I know a guy who is an extrovert, who is incredibly fun to be around and who also suffers from social anxiety disorder, so he sees almost no one socially. He's still an extrovert. He gets his energy from being with people. He runs a private preschool and has no trouble interacting socially with parents and kids. He has incredible energy with 20 three-year-olds all day. I'm in awe. He simply panics when he has to meet new people. That's all. Poor guy. "It's a hard life wherever you go." (Good point, Nanci Griffith.)

For years I had essentially the opposite problem. I was always out doing social stuff. I was an activist organizer and worked with community organizations. I talked loud and a lot. And I was exhausted and miserable. I was out doing all that stuff because I thought you had to have lots of friends in order to be "happy" or "worth something." I really didn't like being with people but I was constantly desperate to avoid being alone. I equated being alone with failure. It was miserable. I have changed my foolish ways. Now I enjoy being with people much more, not to mention I have a lot more fun and get more done in general.

So, this is my answer to the push for everyone to "win friends and influence people." These are a few of my hard-won tips for introverts on how to enjoy life and people. 

1. If you're an introvert, admit it An introvert is a person who gets their energy from being alone. Accept that this is not a failing but a blessing. You can be quite happy all by yourself doing things you love to do.

2. Figure out how you can build a life where you get to be alone a lot. Do something you're passionate about either for work or play, so that you'll be full of positive energy when you do end up around people.

3. Make time for social activities ONLY as often as you really enjoy them. Once or twice a week of social interaction outside of close family and roommates is plenty for many introverts. There should be no shame in having less social interaction, as long as it doesn't bother you.

4. Fix it so most of your social activities are with only one, two or three other people. Introverts tend to enjoy smaller groups more and have more to offer friends in small groups. It took me a long time to accept that this is normal and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Finally accepting that I need to be seriously recharged to go to a big party was a huge step toward being a happier and better party goer. 

5. Cut out the shame. There should be no value judgement in being an introvert or an extrovert. Extroverts are a blessing to the world - able to really enjoy building community and bringing big groups of people together. Introverts are are a blessing too - possibly better at building intimacy and bringing empathy. All this lecturing about social skills makes it sound like being an introvert is an undesirable condition associated with self-centeredness. Not true. Today's business culture wants everyone to be a great networker and build a social empire, but that isn't really a recipe for success. If you think about it, you can see that it's logically impossible for everyone to be a social magnet. As an introvert, you have many other strengths. There is nothing wrong with having a few good friends, rather than many.

6. Nurture close friendships. Be a loyal friend. This isn't hard for most introverts. Help your friends out and be as flexible as you can about when you see them. Make a point of remembering birthdays and showing how much you value close friends. They won't always know unless you tell them.

7. Go to big events if you must or if you want to. If you don't want to and don't have to, just don't.  If you must go for family or work reasons, find a role if at all possible. At gathering of extended family, ask if you can be in charge of table settings or toddler care or the outdoor fire. At a professional conference, set yourself a task, such as collecting a specific type of business cards. 

8. Accept that professional networking is a job and not meant to be entirely pleasant. Do it as part of your job, if you must. And once you've lifted the expectation that you should enjoy it from around your neck, you will probably find it less grueling.

9. Learn how to network well, if you have to network. Consider even reading the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, because it does actually have some solid tips that you can use as business skills. (Yes, I just recommended you read the book I made fun of at the beginning. It's not a bad book. It all depends on your attitude toward it.) It is good to be able to ask the right questions to draw people out at parties or show interest in random strangers. These are good skills to learn, if you are unfortunate enough to be an introvert with a job that requires it. Consider getting a different job if it's really miserable, but either way, don't beat yourself up over it no matter what some self-righteous people say you "should" be.

10. If you're going to be in a large, less formal group with a lot of chatting go going on, such as a house party, bring something non-verbal to do with your hands. I do embroidery or wood carving. It dramatically increases my ability to be social and actually enjoy it. Set yourself up in a less frequented area of the party and do your activity, while watching people and smiling. The more thoughtful (and thus more fun for you) people in the group will most likely gravitate toward your little corner of serenity. 

11. If possible learn to play a musical instrument, particularly guitar. This will allow you to both have a role and do something with your hands at less formal events. It will make you sought after as a guest and yet you won't have to constantly entertain other people verbally and become exhausted.

12. Finally, charge your batteries and know that the world sometimes needs great action. I am an introvert but I have led social justice and peace demonstrations of thousands of people when I had to. Partly, I did it by recharging my energies alone, so that I would have the energy to give. The point here is not that introverts cannot do great social things. It is just that it is an outpouring of energy. As such, there may be something particularly powerful about an introvert whose energy is well built and well directed. Whether your energy is needed in work, community or social events, you will have more to give, if you live your life in a way that your introvert nature enjoys. 

I wish you much joy and success in this--a life of passion and love, free from the pressure to act like someone you are not. Feel free to comment below and share your own experiences and ideas.